This is a conversation I had with a friend about things, it’s good having it here for reference anyway, it’s mostly about Jess and life in general.

Read More

For the last few nights I have been rolling up my second blanket and sleeping next to it like it’s a person because I have been missing the feeling of lying next to someone and feeling them against me I’m fucking pathetic

So this has been sitting at the back of my mind for awhile now but I am really fucking annoyed at Jess because somewhere along the way she decided she wanted to go to warped tour with Michayla instead of me.

It’s really fucked up, I have literally been there talking to her from the beginning talking about warped tour, I was talking to her about the announcement, then the line up and the dates and ticket prices and EVERYTHING and she is acting like none of that ever happened.

She used the bullshit excuse “I didn’t even know you had a ticket” which is 100% a lie because not only have I told her multiple times (I checked facebook chat history) I literally posted pictures of it on tumblr more than once like either she forgot or she is lying and I don’t even know which is worse.

She is literally just fucking off with new friends and barely even talks to me anymore, or when she does she just seems completely uninterested in anything I have to say, we are barely even close anymore she is basically just another friend who doesn’t care.

The only problem is I have no one else to go to gigs and concerts with and that really sucks, I need to either find a new friend who will go with me or just stop going and it’s making me so fucking anxious I can’t breath because I am not good enough socially to make proper friends and not being able to see my favourite bands is going to kill me, I don’t know what I am going to do.

Everything is just so fucked up all the time I am seriously considering just running in front of a bus.

all i ate yesterday was a small packet of chips, skittles and some peanut butter cups. i am getting hunger dizziness again but i have no appetite at all, in fact the thought of food is really unappealing right now, this probably isn’t normal, but i guess it doesn’t matter anyway.

i am pretty sure i could disappear and not a single person would notice after a week or so.

i only have negative impacts on other peoples lives it would probably be better if i was gone anyway.

i wonder what it would be like to just take a bus as far as i could out of adelaide.

I didn’t even have enough money left to buy a bus ticket for tafe today, I couldn’t even borrow money from my mum because she already left for work, my step dad is literally ruining my life again and he is the one that bitched and moaned for years that i wasn’t doing anything, now when i am doing something he is doing everything in his power to fuck it up.

i don’t know how i am meant to function without money when i am going to tafe, i can’t get lunch, i can’t get coffee, i can’t get bus tickets or even afford credit for my phone, i fucking need centrelink, no job is hiring a 20 year old with no experience who can work around my tafe hours.

i just feel completely trapped and i pretty much just want to die right now and am slowly thinking of ways to do it.

i am wanting to die more again, for a lot of reasons but i am just thinking about it more often, more than a few times a day, i had been thinking about it less for awhile but now it’s just coming back.

my appetite is getting worse. my doctor made it clear that i can’t afford to lose anymore weight but a combination of not caring, no money and barely any food in the house means i probably can’t help it.

i get my new blood test results back today it’s probably nothing good

i think one of the worst part about the doctors was the doctor implying 2 or 3 times that i had some kind of eating disorder, it’s like clearly i don’t want to talk about it and there is legit reasons why i am skinny, i’d rather not rehash old issues can you just diagnose my flu please

just remembered someone at the halloween party saying “you shouldn’t smoke it will kill you” and i just said “that’s fine because i wanna die” and they misheard it as “i’m on a diet” and that’s probably a good thing hahahahahaha

i have decided recently i am just going to stop feelings things

like i am just going to suppress my emotions so much that i become some kind of emotionless robot, i feel like this is going to make me feel better in the long run.

like i am going to leave all these people soon, either by moving or killing myself so why should i care what they think now.

i will just stop caring about everything